Newsflash -- God Hates Knowledge!

Or, when you look into the atheist, the atheist looks also into you.

Obviously this website does not reflect the beliefs of most Christians or even Evangelicals. And obviously I have to stop reading it. Like now. But I can't, Yahweh-dammit, I can't.

From www.needgod.com (which, by the way, you wind up at with the same types of web searches that seem to lead people here, poor souls.) Italics are mine. Here's how to read them. Picture me screeching with laughter whenever you see italics.

<< 10.If you know the Lord, nothing will shake your faith. It is true that the man with an experience is not at the mercy of a man with an argument. Take for example a little boy who is looking at a heater. His father warns him that it's hot. The child says, "O.K. I believe it's hot." At that point, he has an intellectual belief that the heater is hot. When his Dad leaves the room, he says, "I wonder if it really is hot?" He then reaches out his little hand and grabs the heater bar with his fingers. The second his flesh burns he stops believing the heater is hot. (Note -- No shit! He also stops believing he's the best judge of what's hot and starts thinking he should have listened to his dad.) He now knows it's hot! He has moved out of the realm of "faith" into the realm of "experience."

In comes a heater expert and says, "Son, I have a B.A. in the study of heat. The heater is definitely not hot. I can prove it to you." The child would probably say, "Mr Expert, I don't care how many B.A.'s you have. I know that heater is hot -- I touched it! I'm not in the realm of belief, I'm in the realm of experience. (Note -- Don't kids just say the darndest things?) Goodbye."

If you have touched the heater bar of God's love and forgiveness, if the Holy Spirit has "born witness" that you are a child of God (Romans 8:16), if you have received the Gospel with "power, the Holy Ghost and much assurance" (1 Thessalonians 1:5), you will never be shaken by a skeptic.

When cults tell you that you must acknowledge God's name to be saved, that you must worship on a certain day that you must be baptized by an elder of their church, don't panic. Merely go back to the Instruction Manual. The Bible has all the answers, and searching them out, will make you grow.

If you feel intimidated by atheists -- if you think they are "intellectuals," read the book, God Doesn't Believe in Atheists. It will show you that they are the opposite. It will also instruct you on how you can prove God's existence, and also prove that the "atheist" doesn't exist.>>

I'd much rather eat the pasta of God's love and forgiveness, or maybe knock back the sidecar on the rocks of God's love and forgiveness. I don't want to BURN THE CRAP OUT OF MY HANDS on God's love and forgiveness.

As for the atheists, I love this logic. It means that not only do I regularly speak to people who don't exist -- including, paradoxically, my son's godfather, love that -- but that the few atheists I can't stand never existed in the first place, and if they do ever want to exist, they'll have to promptly go burn the crap out of their hands on some of God's love.

Stop, Hammer Time

It's hard to write the Christmas-countdown freak-out I'd planned to when I'm simultaneously watching The Hebrew Hammer. I have to go play "Gentile Invaders" now. Boy, am I sorry people I work with read this blog. I bet they're sorry, too.

The URL for God

Apparently quite a few people stumble across this site by typing "God, please help me" into a search engine. I work in the tech industry, so I can't help but wonder if this is one area where vertical search of domain names owned and operated by actual gods might be helpful. Google just sends these poor people to a snarky woman from Brooklyn, that being me.

I tried it last night myself to see what other snarky people came up, and lo and behold, God has a website. And one of the many faces of God, as I've suspected ALL ALONG, is former Smiths frontman and the godfather of shoegazing pop, if not the patent holder of teenage angst, Morrissey. You can also pray to Oprah, as most of America already does.

http://www.deargodpleasehelpme.com/

You can click on a web interface button to pray for these people. God has disabled comments. That's SO like him.

Oh, so that's how it works

Over the weekend, I saw my dear friend R, she of the divine serendipity and the hatred of John Donne. We were walking across Houston Street at a busy and bright 6:15 on Saturday to catch a cab to a restaurant and meet some friends for dinner. We'd just spent an hour and a half getting makeovers, and hadn't really spoken much beyond rhapsodies over eachother's sparkling eyelids.

She asked how I was doing, and I blurted out:

"I'm okay, I just wish all these little physical problems I'm having would clear up."

"Like what? What's wrong?"

"Oh, stupid little things. My hand was hurting for awhile but then it stopped but now the pinkie on that hand is hurting again. My knees ache. I have headaches, but just once in a great while. Doesn't seem worth going to doctor, but I do need to get all these things cleared up."

The next day I got this message on my voicemail that said I'd won a prize in a raffle that benefits children's programming at our local playground. I won a free hour of acupuncture.

At first I was disappointed, despite the faint shimmer of the thrill of winning something, anything, by chance. But acupuncture didn't seem too glamourous, not like dinner at a restaurant or a manicure at the local day spa.

But acupuncture might help fix my pinkie, my knees and my headaches. Duh.

I slapped my achey head with my gimpy little hand.

Question #1: Universe, please help me figure out a name for my blog

Last night I started thinking about an experience I had a couple of weeks ago. I was missing a friend of mine who was killed seven years ago. The anniversary of his death is coming up next week. On my way to a bar, I looked up at the sky, told him I still missed him, and that I needed some help.

Within a few hours I was chatting with a few other bar patrons about travel and the education system and how to start your own business. One of the guys I was talking to -- handsome, charming, well-traveled, successful -- told me that his best friend from college had died in his arms. Soon after the bar owner mentioned to me that his father was dying.

It helped me. Those two little comments helped me so much. I thought, everyone lives with grief, everyone deals with death, everyone has some space in their life that they are still working through, no matter how perfect other things may look. And we can all help eachother. And I'll always miss my friend, and I think he helped me.

Then I wondered what would happen if I just started asking for answers or help or a sign or what have you every day and blogging about what happened.

I asked the universe for a name for the blog, because I suck at naming things. Then this came into my head -- Are You There God? It's Me, Blogging.

I went into the livingroom, where my husband was watching something with guns on tv with his headphones on and his other wife (our cat) in his lap. I told him the idea.

"That's great. Why wouldn't you call it that?"

"Because I love Judy Blume and without Forever I probably never would have found my clitoris, and I can't imagine anything more depressing than the woman who helped me find my clitoris issuing a cease and desist order for my blog about trying to find meaning in the universe."

My husband made several other really good suggestions, like Blogprints in the Sand, but they all sounded more Jesusy than I would like and they didn't hit the mark. He assured me he would have eventually found my clitoris even if I'd never read Forever. He gave me some great advice on web searching similar titles and then basically said, come on, you know that's the name.

Question answered. See you soon.